deep thoughts by natalie on a monday afternoon

ok im probably the most fickle blog writer ever, but i have reposted the original post, WITH the dream below.  honestly this was a testament on how much we bloggers sometimes depend more than we think we do on commenters {you!}.  i posted the original post, and didnt get a single comment for more than 30 hours.  no big deal but when i already felt like i was sharing something a little...personal/deep/intense to me, i got a little insecure and thought maybe it was crossing that extremely fine "to post or not to post" line.  BUT, your comments were so sweet and you did really seem to get what i was trying to imply with the dream, vs something morbid or whatnot.

SO, its back up :)  thanks for being supportive and understanding me sometimes! haha

love you ALL! {even you crazy non commentors...yea, even YOU}

i had a dream last night...and i want to write about it because i dont ever want to forget it.
{and you know how the second you try to remember a dream, you forget it...}

i also love hearing other peoples dreams and figuring out what they mean...ive always had such intense, vivid dreams.  and i always remember them.  especially when im pregnant :)

anyway, in this dream, there was some crazy typical dream stuff i dont remember...but somehow i ended up in a car...like an old crown victoria or something, and a young boy was in the drivers sear {probably 7 or so}.  he had the car in reverse and pressed full force on the pedal.  we zoomed backwards, and i was in the backseat.  we crossed over two lanes of busy interstate and somehow made it ok.  i was trying to get him to stop but couldnt get to the front with all the bumps and, well, that lack of strength we seem to have in dreams.  we shot backwards out to a road with a construction "danger" sign and i knew there couldnt be anything good behind it.
i knew what was about to happen and i prayed for the little boy and myself and then started saying the Lords prayer.
and then there was complete happiness.  and i felt so ... complete.  no pain no nothing.  just happy and free and wonderful.  i opened my eyes and there was a podium in front of me, with a figure behind it.  there were colors and beauty all around me...dont remember specifics, just so gorgeous.  the podium had bright flowers all over the top, and they felt like velvet and every time i touched them they flew off into the air and more appeared.
the figure at the podium looked at something and then let me walk past and then i was just happy.  i thought about stephen and emory and bennett and the baby, but knew they were ok.  i felt sad in missing them but at the same time i wasnt sad at all.  i was just so happy.
then my sister erin showed up.  i knew by now i was in heaven, or at least waiting to fully enter into heaven?  there were other people there too, but i dont think i knew any of them.  i dont know if erin was a figment of my imagination or actually there, but she told me stephen and the babies were really sad, but that there were a lot of people with them and they were going to be ok.
all of a sudden an image popped up in the midst of all the colors and i could see the big car, where it landed.  it was all crushed and totaled.  i felt a surge of pain and intense sadness for the first time since the wreck and i ran to the image, knowing it meant i was going to go back to stephen and my babies.
then i heard a voice inside me tell me: it is your choice to go, but i would love for you to stay.  you are my child.  you will see them again.  i am letting you choose.
i stopped dead in my tracks and the second i did, the image disappeared.  all the hurt and pain disappeared too.  i then felt intensely happy and complete again.
and then i woke up.
wide awake at 3:30am.
and i was actually happy and wanted to wake stephen up and tell him about my dream.
i feel like i remembered more at 3:30 than i do now...but still what i remember is so...memorable.

how weird is that??? i dont do well talking about these types of things, with me or especially with anyone i love.  i think i have too big of an imagination so its just too....intense to even spend a thought on it.  so the fact that i was so happy...so blissful and comforted...threw me off {and still does...im almost in tears writing about this bc its just too REAL}.  i dont think the dream means anything in the foreshadowing aspect {ew creepy}...but the fact that i woke up happy means a lot to me :) ive never had a heaven dream...but this was a good one.

and now to jump from what some might feel is a morbid sensibility to an uplifting song i heard on a day i really needed to hear it.

probably another pregnancy-crazy hormone thing, but it was on a day i was just feeling down. no reason i can pin point, just down in the dumps and slightly annoyed, a long day at home.  stephen had just gotten home and i was in the car by myself {a very rare thing}, drinking some hot tea, driving to see my sister and her final wedding dress fitting.  i took out bennetts preschool songs cd and put in a cd i made years ago, titled "hope" {i made three cds for all the women in my family one christmas, titled "faith", "hope" and "love."}

the first song that played was one by mindy gledhill...i will rest in you

ive heard it a million times but at that moment it was the exact song i needed to hear.
it amazing sometimes when things get crazy, life gets wild, and i get too caught up in it all...all i need is a place to rest.  and its so beautiful that His arms are always open, and they always available, and they are always waiting.

we just have to remember where to turn! :)

enjoy!